Always a Mother Guide - #8 Advice

I have referred to my mother guide experience as a journey because it’s the best way I can explain what my life as Joseph’s mom has been for the past 3 decades. 

My experiences have brought me both twists and turns of unexpected pain, as well as unexpected joy. The emotions that I have experienced have not diminished; they all feel familiar as I continue to move forward with my son. 

Although Joseph is thriving now, my journey hasn’t ended yet. I am still parenting and staying close, while being very careful about giving him his freedom. Joseph lived with me at home until he was 29 years old. This gave me the extra time that I felt he and I both needed for him to transition into adulthood. 

I accompanied him to open his first bank account, buy his first car, get his auto insurance, help him pay taxes, change his oil, manage his cell phone and bills, and apply for and keep a job. 

I taught him that you don’t quit a job until you have another one lined up. I recommended that he always give two weeks’ notice. We both knew when he was ready to venture out on his own.

He met a lovely young lady online who lived a couple of hours away. She began coming to visit and he went to visit her. When the time came, he made the decision to quit his job and move 126 miles away. He came home one evening after he completed his shift at the local radio station where he was working and told me he gave his two weeks’ notice. 

I was shocked that he quit because I knew he didn’t have another job. I knew he had saved some money but I have to admit I was pretty upset. 

I kept my cool for a bit. I knew that if I got visibly upset, then he would get upset, and it would take a while to get to the important conversation that we needed to have. 

I asked him if he had another job although I knew he didn’t. He confirmed what I knew and said that he was applying online for jobs. He felt confident that he would have one soon and that he was very happy about moving.

Then I started to cry from sheer, deeply jumbled emotions and he began to cry and then we were both sobbing. I was crying because I was feeling sad, scared for him, and unsure that he was ready at that moment. He was crying because he was sad, sad for me, and also unsure. 

Once we caught our breath, we hugged, and I knew for sure that I needed to step up and support his move. 

Did I believe it was too big for him? Yes. But I also knew that was how I raised my son: to believe in himself just as I had his whole life. I told him how proud I was of him, and I decided to support him as much as I could to make this decision a successful one. 

How he got to this point was certainly not what I had planned for him even though I knew that it was how he needed to proceed. He had to follow his own life path, not mine. 

This major step was extremely difficult for me. My crazy monkeys of fear took over once again. I feared that if Joseph didn’t follow a more traditional plan, he could, at worst, become homeless one day. 

I also didn’t want him to be lost and sad because he didn’t have me to give the direction and support he needed. Thank goodness I had the tools to work through my deep fears and I used them.

Once he moved out and called me to let me know he made it to his new home, I realized he was so happy. I knew at that moment that all the years of being his mother guide were paying off. The foundation that I had laid for Joseph was now supporting him. 

Was my job as a mother guide finished? No way!

I now guide him during our frequent phone conversations and when he comes home to visit. His happiness was my goal from the day he was born. He paved his own path and, frankly, I am amazed. 

As I have had to let go of my plan, I can clearly see that his plan is smoother and happier than any I could have ever paved myself. 

As Joseph told me years ago, my biggest life lesson is to learn how to let go. We will always be mother guides. This is a journey that we will travel for the rest of our lives. This is why it is essential to learn how to let go of what we thought our lives were going to be and to accept what our lives are today. Once we can accept and learn how to let go, our ASD parenting journey will be lighter and filled with more joy. 

Joseph introduced me to Joseph Campbell—the American mythologist, writer, and lecturer—and his work from which I am now learning. Here is one of Joseph Campbell’s quotes that I want to share with you.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

Remember that once a mother guide, always a mother guide. Move forward in grace and self-kindness. Although this can often be challenging, you can do it.

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