Grief Is Not on a Linear Timeline
Once you hear the words “Your child is Autistic.” You may feel like your world has been shattered or you may feel relief to know what you have suspected all along. For me it was daunting to hear that my son was going to live with a lifelong disability.
Although there is much more information about what autism is today than back in the 90s when my son was diagnosed, it remains to be a hard diagnosis to accept.
The expectation of what the future would hold for my son was no longer and the dream I had of who he was going to be was gone. It was a dream of a future—not a reality of his future—that filled me with deep, dismal sadness.
These life alternating moments that bring us to our knees (life tsunamis) are easy to get lost in. How do you get back up? I’m not sure that there is one right way to get up when we have been knocked down.
Grief transforms differently for everyone.
The five stages of grief are:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I believe each one of the stages of grief are part of the autism journey. Grief is not on a linear timeline. I have been in more than one of these stages at a time. There were days when I was in denial, anger, bargaining and depression all at once. I also had moments of acceptance, a difficult stage of grief for me to remain in.
In our book Mother’s Guide Through Autism, I discuss grief in more depth and I also give readers tools to navigate themselves through their own personal grief. I have often referred to using the phrase meeting yourself where you are at, as a compass to move through grief at one's own personal pace. This is meant to offer a safe space to enrich the healing journey.
I have noticed that some clients move through their healing journey in stages. Moving through healing may feel easy at first and then out of nowhere there is deep sorrow. This process can also happen in reverse, with a huge feeling of resistance, and then moving with more ease into healing.
Grief (healing) is unpredictable and that’s okay.
It’s Okay:
It's okay because we all have good and bad days.
It’s okay because we are building resilience along the way.
It’s okay because we are courageous.
It’s okay because we have shown up each day and that's enough.
It’s okay because grief is part of living.
To embrace grief takes courage, strength, and love. I encourage developing a relationship with grief.
For today, noticing your grief in your life is enough. As you move throughout your day, notice where grief is present. I am not asking you to look for grief, but just to notice grief when grief shows up.
I have noticed grief in moments that I was not expecting grief to show up. Again, grief is unpredictable. Grief has shown up when I was doing simple things in my life.
I can remember waking up and feeling pretty good, and then a song, smell, or a statement from another person might trigger my grief. How odd, I remember thinking when grief would hit me out of nowhere.
I was enjoying a beautiful spring day at the park with Joseph and boom out of nowhere, watching other children play felt like a punch in my gut. I became teary eyed and wondered what was happening to me at that moment. Everything appeared to be calm. I was having a good day with my son.
So, why did grief hit me out of nowhere?
It hit me hard in an instant because I was grieving each and every day. My son was not playing with anyone, not even me. Joseph was very content sitting in the park swing in his own world. So, a good day turned into sadness because I was in grief. I had no awareness of grief's daily presence.
The more you have awareness of grief, the better you will get to know grief. As you become acquainted with grief's fickle appearances, you will become more familiar, less fearful, and become better equipped to soothe painful emotions.
I know because I have done it.
For today, take a breath, and remember that grief is not on a linear timeline. Grief shows up uninvited and most often when you least expect it.
Becoming familiar with grief will strengthen your healing journey. It's okay because you are moving forward to living with more joy one tiny unpredictable step at a time.
As always, go do one small act of kindness for yourself.
Download My Free Guide and Subscribe to My Newsletter
You might also be interested in:
The days following hearing the words “Joseph is autistic,” were some of my darkest days. I was living with the deepest pain I had felt in my 32 years of life. It was my first life tsunami. I didn’t know the way out to find the light. It felt like instantly being lost and not knowing which way to go.