Accepting That It’s Okay to Not Be Okay - #5 Advice
I can remember sitting in one of my therapy sessions and having a real insightful moment—an “aha moment.”
I was discussing certain possible outcomes of one of the several life tsunamis that I was working through at the time and these thoughts hit me…
”What if I’m never going to get over it?”
“What if I am never okay with my son being autistic?”
I asked myself these questions about several of the life experiences that were causing me deep grief and pain. The ones that I will never understand. The ones that simply do not make sense to me.
I had waited until I was in my 50s to begin to do my innerwork. Ironically, I thought I was doing my innerwork for someone else.
I discovered that doing my innerwork was helping the other person but it was helping me the most, which in the end was the best thing for all my relationships in my life.
If you are currently struggling with the diagnosis of your child and fear for their future, please take a breath and give yourself grace.
It is okay not to be okay with your child being diagnosed with autism.
Accepting that it’s okay to not be okay with my son living with ASD simply means that I am no longer searching for a cure for my own heart. I often thought that if I kept working on my grief, one day I would wake up and feel just as I did before autism came into my life.
Living with being okay with not being okay is simply living in the present moment and finding that, even on the hardest days, all is well.
Acceptance is all about adjusting our own goals and expectations after receiving your child’s diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is part of the journey. Just as my son has evolved through many therapies, modifications, patience, problem-solving, and love, I have too.
There is no one secret recipe for acceptance. If I were to write one, though, I would begin with my own personal heart.
Mother guides are always the team captains, even as the team players change. One player who will always be part of your team is your child. How we lead our team is up to what type of captain we decide to be.
I fully understand the all-consuming pull to find answers that can help our children in any way we can. This pull can be overwhelming and all mother guides need help with the how.
How mother guides perceive the diagnosis of our children is critical in how our children perceive their own lives on this journey.
It’s an evolutionary process, moving from one destination together. One important ingredient I have found to be helpful in accepting your child’s diagnosis of ASD is to let go of all negative beliefs and expectations. Set reasonable goals that don’t feel too big and live your life through a lens that is authentic, that is you.
You are allowed to have your own dreams.
Depending on where you are on your journey, you may not be ready to discuss your own personal dreams. You may still be deep in grief and pain or just trying to take the first baby step forward on your autism parenting journey. That is perfect. Meet your heart where it is at this moment.
Begin with putting small pieces of energy into taking tiny steps towards rediscovering joy. We all have joy deep in our hearts. Our joy is still in our hearts, just as the sun is still in the sky when it is covered by clouds. We just have to be patient, and let those dark clouds of pain slowly dissolve. This is the work we are doing together.
Take a moment for yourself and write down what you are okay with not being okay with today. If you want to go a bit deeper then grab your journal and continue writing.
Now embrace the peace that comes with the statement that you wrote down. You are okay. Your child is okay. Your life is okay.
Take a breath. You can find joy in your life although a dark cloud has temporarily taken your heart. The first thing I often say to any mother who is in that dark place is, “you are going to be okay.” (Essential Piece of Advice #1)
If you don’t know anything else in those dark moments, know that you will not live in the darkness forever. Light, joy, and happiness will come through to you. Continue to give yourself grace each and every day.
If you would like to go deeper with healing your mother’s heart, please grab a copy of A Mother’s Guide Through Autism. This book is written as a healing guide for all Mother Guides. Remember to meet your heart where it is at this moment and go do something kind for yourself.
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The days following hearing the words “Joseph is autistic,” were some of my darkest days. I was living with the deepest pain I had felt in my 32 years of life. It was my first life tsunami. I didn’t know the way out to find the light. It felt like instantly being lost and not knowing which way to go.